Apnoeas (#2 of 1.000.000)

This is how it starts. With tomorrows. I'll write something down tomorrow. I call tomorrow. And tomorrow becomes another tomorrow. Another week. Month. Time does not really count anymore between my and my daughter. It is in tiny little pieces, lighter than air, non-existent. It does exist only on paper when trying to make a…

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Home and Away

The second first time was the first really strong burst to my stomach. The second first time I drove to Mayo to see you it was late afternoon, January 25th 2005, quite cold and, by the time I had left Dublin, already dark. I did not have any satellite navigator back then and it would…

January 30th, 2017

Just allow me a moment Judge, take off these bonds from my utterance and let me speak. After that, I can come back beyond my shadow line of silence and wait. I, who am the undersigned, I have come here with the specific aim to declare in front of this limited and technical audience to…

The First First Time

December 10th, 2004, early in the morning. My home phone rings. A kind of shock, as I was into a deep sleep. Not even a second before I realized. It was your mother saying you were just born. Your cries in the back. My heart kind of exploding with what I could not even tell…

Just Another Court

Early morning. Driving to Castlebar from Claremorris. Lots of memories on a 30 kmsĀ drive. My father in hospitalĀ in Castlebar when Alicia was about 4. His last visit to Ireland and himself being 83, or 84. Memories are fading on me already; it might be the morning mist, the thin rain with its unique sound, like…

Being Bing-Bong

There are times when I stop living and doing whatever I'm doing and start imagining what is the image my daughter has of me. The closest thing that comes to my mind is the character of Bing-Bong in Inside Out. He is silly, clumsy, always there to help, always with an eejit smile on his…

Drive

This is how I found driving again on the other side of the road, in the pouring rain, on a route which was familiar and painful at the same time, only this time with my wife F at my side. Half asleep by the time we had crossed the Meath-Roscommon border. The rain not preparing…

June, 27, 2012

Dear Alicia, I know I have not written for a long time. I was low down and out and did not feel like writing. I wanted to talk to you, hear your voice. But I could not do that. I have been trying for over a month every Tuesday night and Thursday night. No answer.…